I had another blue day today. I've continued to fixate on the things I lost - friends, opportunities, etc. I can't help but feel a little bitter over the unfairness of it all, especially when I consider the lives of many former friends and peers. Of course, I can't feel that way for long without any guilt, as I realize that I'm also extremely blessed compared to many people. But I still feel like I have the right to be at least a tiny bit bitter on occasion.
A memory came to mind today of an occurrence from late January; I was attending orientation for my new school I transferred to this semester after a series of unfortunate events led me to leave my previous university home of three years. My admittance notice to the new school had arrived only a week before, so my decision to start school again was pretty new and sudden. I hate orientations of any kind...the information overload, the excess of minimally-helpful lectures, the stress of being in a new social situation. Thankfully, this one was only a day, but I was nonetheless not terribly excited to be there.
Anyways, I received a text from a friend from my previous college. I was exchanging texts with her during breaks in the presentation, trying to catch up a bit since I rarely hear from any old friends. I told her I was at an orientation for a new university and she said she hoped it was going well. I light-heartedly replied that it kind of sucked because it was so boring and she fired back that there are worse things and it's one of those things you have to get through (or something along those lines). I didn't bother to write back because that line ticked me off. I know I'm overly sensitive most of the time and this probably sounds stupid and petty to most people, but sometimes odd little comments set me off.
First off, one of my social pet peeves is when people won't let you complain about something, offering chastisement rather than sympathy. Would it really have been so hard for her to say, "Sorry it's boring! Those things are always so tiresome." I mean, it's pretty universally recognized that orientations are kinda stupid. I'm not sure why people are so adverse to people making small complaints and so set on people being positive all the time. I know most people would fuss at me that she meant well, but hear me out when I say that a way to be a better listener is to affirm what they say (unless it's something really harmful or unkind) and offer your empathy to their situation.
Anyways, to get to the heart of the matter: what upset me about my friend's words was that she offered little empathy for my situation as a whole. It seemed unjust that she would scold me to tolerate the necessary evil when she wasn't the one who had to leave an old home and try to find a new one. Transferring isn't an easy process, and neither is grieving an old life and a dream that you had to put to death. My friend gets to continue to live that dream, unaware of her fortune and relatively free from trial and tribulation. She knew I had to give up what I had such high hopes for because of misfortunes beyond my control...couldn't she offer a little empathy for the stress and heartache of having to kill one dream and find another path?
I'm having a lot of trouble putting this into words, but hopefully those who have been there can get the sense of what I'm talking about. I know most people would scold me for it, but today I keep going back to old disappointments. The weight gain and low self-esteem accompanying. The friends who have dropped off. The wedding invitation I didn't get. The news from friends' lives that I'm no longer privy to.
All in all, I just feel like a giant zit on the face of humanity. And I feel really, really lonely, abandoned by friends, separated by distance and prejudice, longing for companionship and intellectual partnership but seeing that longing unreciprocated and thus unlikely to be fulfilled. And I feel an unshakable cloud of sadness over me. So I feel afraid that things will go blue, black, and grey again just when I thought I was finally going to get my chance to live in sunshine...just like all the other kids know every day, and have only ever known, for the most part.
I can't help but mutter in the back of my head, "It's not fair."