I've noticed a common symptom that arises whenever I have a spell of depression is that I become extremely critical of myself. I start to hate myself consider myself worthless, a blight on humanity, stupid, untalented, etc. I feel like no one likes me and I just annoy my friends. I feel abandoned by my friends. Even if I normally do like who I am and feel pretty confident in myself, depression leads me to tear myself apart.
Lately, I've been feeling that way again. And I had mostly been able to move past my disappointment in the way most of my friends did little to support me while I was at school and then ignored me once I left school, I've been fixating on it again. I look at my friends leading their lives without ever trying to include me in them any more and think, "Gee, they are probably a lot happier without me. They're probably glad I'm gone. I was just a burden anyways with all my emotional baggage."
The burden of these heavy emotions is too much to bear for me when they come around. I can't shake them and move on, but I can't resolve them either. I can't confirm that I have value, and I can't do anything to address the hurt people have caused me. I can't gain any closure. I feel voiceless. I want to go on Facebook and write a nasty post telling them all off and saying what a bunch of loser friends they all are, but I'm sure the consequences of that wouldn't be worth the meager rewards. When I wrote a post for The Mighty about my friends leaving me alone in my fight with depression (it's somewhere on this blog here), everyone on FB ignored it. And why shouldn't they? Who wants to acknowledge that they were an awful friend?
Anyways, it's hard to deal with these emotions. That's why for a while I tried turning my hand against myself. But it's so emotionally draining and sad to think of. I don't think I will go back to that.