Sunday, April 24, 2016

They just don't get it.

I've recovered from my brief relapse of last week - I think I may not have been taking enough of one of the supplements I take for my mental health and thus had some chemical imbalance return. During the relapse, I felt similar to last year; there were exterior events causing me emotional stress, yes, but I would have been able to deal with them fine if it weren't for a chemical imbalance. Everything is tinted a darker shade, the world seems to close in, prospects dim; you feel suffocated, hopeless, on edge yet also listless. Anything happy would have been mediocre; anything sad is unbearable and you don't know what to do with all that emotion and wonder how you can make it through a lifetime if life is going to keep feeling this overwhelmingly intense and simultaneously unsatisfactorily stimulating. In other words, everything is too much and not enough.

But I got back up to speed with how much of the supplement I ought to be taking and felt better within a day and had a lovely vacation. However, my mind and emotions keep going back to the seemingly unresolvable problem of my hurt over the loss of former friendships. I think I mentioned before that I figured out that a friend from last year didn't invite me to her wedding. I know it's dumb, but it keeps bugging me. Not that I think about it all the time, but it's like a splinter that you realize periodically is there and probably ought to be taken out before it gets infected. Bleh.

I find that I keep wondering how people are doing, whether any romances have blossomed in my absence, whether my friends who are graduating have found jobs, how their families are, or if any other juicy gossip has transpired. Heck, it doesn't even have to be juicy...I just missing hearing about people. I guess this is how moms and grandparents feel when their child/grandchild goes off to college and only calls once a month. But for some reason, people either don't seem interested in talking to me, or if they are one of the few who do occasionally reach out (or respond), they seem loathe to share any details of goings on in their own life or the lives of mutual friends. Details are sketchy at best, answers vague. I feel like an infirm shut-in desperate to get some news of the outside, but only pushing any chance of getting such precious goods in the process because those who traverse through the outer world daily are put off by my eccentricities and don't see the value in the world they find so common. It's odd because if I try to inquire about anything that friends say is amiss, they immediately insist that it's fine. Everyone is always trying to put a brave, positive face on things. I'm not sure why they want to hide that they might be suffering from me of all people, since I know and accept such things are part of life and put them out in the open.

Anyways, I would have graduated this May so most of my school friends are graduating as well. My one dear friends who has kept in touch pretty regularly even since I left asked if I planned on coming up to visit. This isn't the first time I've been asked or it has been suggested; I've considered the idea myself many, many times as well. I wouldn't call myself a people pleaser, but I am very eager to do anything I can to support a friend, so I have thought about going up to see my friends graduate. While most of them have ditched me, there are two who really worked their way into my heart over the three years I was there and continued to support me over the past year who I would love to go out of my way to support. And on other occasions, old "friends" from school have told me I should come up and visit and it would be so fun, etc.

I was always resistant to the idea of going back to visit for a number of reasons. First off, I hate the drive to and from that place. It shouldn't be that bad of a drive hour-wise, but it is. It feels twice as long as it is, the scenery is ugly, I hate the state you drive through, and I just grew to hate hate hate that drive because of all of the awful carpools I had to take to get home on breaks. It feels almost traumatic to consider making that drive again. Of course, that is a petty reason if one really wanted to go and visit old friends, so I guess the biggest reason is that I realized that it wasn't worth it. I knew that if I went up there, I would only be frustrated and disappointed. I gave that damn school and those lame people all number of chances. I believed in them for so long. I was under their spell. I talked myself out of transferring twice, once so I could be with this burgeoning group of friends who I thought were finally the answer to my dreams and prayers to have a place on that campus. But in the end, those people and that place let me down both when I didn't need them and when I needed them most, when I was present and when I left. And I continue to feel the pain they've caused every day.

I realized that if I went back, I would throw myself back in that ebb and flow of the tide of toxic friendship. I would spend $100 on a hotel, $50 on gas, and people would probably be too busy to talk. They would be closed off. I would hear about all the stuff I missed. See the people living the life I dreamed of, happy without me. I'd been burned too many times before. If I went to graduation, people might spend ten minutes talking to me, but then they'd have to see their families and spend time with them and what would I do? People might be happy to see me for that day, but we'd be back to separate worlds and silent phones in a heartbeat and I would be back at the start of the emotional roller coaster of dealing with disappointing friendships.

I realized today that I couldn't do that to myself. I've come too far in my recovery and I'm still too emotionally vulnerable. It's time I start closing people out of my life who are toxic or lame friends. I should have done it much earlier, but I couldn't let go. It will be a long process to heal, but putting my foot down is the first step. It's time to stop letting other people who don't give a damn about my emotions or well-being dictate how I feel five hundred miles away from their content little college lives. It's time I appreciate myself and stand up for who I am and draw my boundaries. I wonder what my life would have been like if I had done that more in the past.

This was a bit of a rambling, diary-ish post, but oh well. It needed to be written.

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