Monday, May 30, 2016

Back in the cafe.

Look at me, bragging on here about how well I've been doing, how functional I am these days, how I'm going to able to grad school and conquer the world when several months ago I could barely leave the house. Two weeks ago, before I went to see my counselor (who I'm now only seeing twice a month), I told my mom I could probably stop seeing her at the end of the summer.

Now I'm hanging by a thread till my next appointment. That's the trouble with counseling; you have a set date and time so when you desperately need someone to talk to, you have no one, but when you feel fine and don't particularly want to take time out of your day to go talk about who-knows-what, you have your appointment and squander it just talking about whatever comes to mind because the distressing events of the week before have subsided, along with the long-standing issues they brought to the surface.

I don't know why I can't seem to have a happy life; every time I think things have finally turned a corner, I am plunged into darkness again. Maybe it's my own fault. Did I commit some sin that I'm being punished for? Maybe it's my selfishness. I don't know. But I get frustrated seeing other people my age succeeding, winning their heart's desires, finding their soul mate, falling in love, having people love them, gaining lots of friends, and I seem to fall so very short of everyone's expectations.

I have my heart set on this grad school program, but maybe it's poisoning my life. Ever since I went to the thesis presentations, I've been miserable, anxious, and stressed. I read the profiles of previous fellows and think, "Oh my gosh, how can I ever compare to these people?? I am dead in the water. What the heck am I doing..." I know I have many skills, but I don't present well on paper (or in person). A lot of the stuff I've done has been outside of the academic environment, in church or things like this blog which I can't tell about. And I hate being stressed. Should I enter this program and subject myself to this stress? It might bring me down again.

But I also see in the program all the things I've wished for these past several years: camaraderie, mentoring, fellowship (not just the money kind!), the chance to know history and museums intimately and learn all the stuff I've always wanted to and see the historic objects up close and personal. That's all I've ever dreamed of since I was a kid. But how do you express that without sounding trite or contrived? And what does it count for?

I feel so overwhelmed. I can't stop thinking about this guy I saw the other day. I can't stop wondering what could be and trying to make sure that things could work out between us. I don't know how to turn my mind off. I wish I could just let go of romantic hopes again because they just make me miserable, absolutely miserable. And they make me change myself to try to win someone who doesn't give a damn about me (or in this case, even know I exist). I don't think anyone will ever love me or take notice of me. I don't think I can ever have a happy relationship. I'm afraid of getting hurt if anything ever were to happen between me and someone. And I'm afraid that I'm too insecure to handle a relationship healthily. Plus, look at all the baggage I come with. 45 posts worth.

All day, I've felt all clamped up. Like every part of me is tensed for the future. This does nothing to help me and I know I need to take a step back and calm down and gain perspective, but I can't seem to. I've been feeling unshakably blue the past five days, and it's scary. Really scary. I'm terrified of being plunged back into the living nightmare of major depression. I don't know how I can live like that again. But I'm almost afraid of being happy because that seems to mean that a shadow is waiting to overtake you just around the bend. I can't stand this constant grind of depression though: the pessimism, the darkness, the fear, the self-doubt. It is suffocating. I feel like I'm in a cage that's slowly decompressing.

The question arises, "Why me?" But then I think, "Why not me? There are people with even worse lives...Why am I so selfish?" But that doesn't help to think either. It makes you more miserable and self-blame-y.

No comments:

Post a Comment