Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Keep quiet.

No one wants me to talk about it
Because they don't know what to say
Are they really so afraid of inadequacy
That they would make me pay?

I just drafted those lines. You see, I've been brooding. It's a bad place to go to, but sometimes I find myself a little addicted to it. I'v been purposefully looking at graduation photos and thinking about the guy who I used to like and his girlfriend. Making myself feel a little inferior. 

But then you spiral a little deeper into the emotions and you start trying to put down other people to make yourself feel better. You start comparing and rating and all that nasty stuff. But you don't want to stop putting others down because you want some desperate assurance that you have worth and you should have been the one he picked and you do have worth and are better than the ones who got all the friends and good positions. 

But what I really want to talk about is when other people won't listen. Or won't speak, I guess. The most frustrating thing about my little foray into self-pity tonight was that when I tried to gain others' affirmation and express my grief and self-doubt that was re-emerging, it was met with uncomfortable silence. It reminded me of the old days, when I tried to tell friends about my depression. 

People never seem to like when I discuss this guy who I liked with them. They don't want me to be upset over his choosing someone else. They don't want me to speak ill of him. They don't want to defend me or speak about his girlfriend. It made me feel a little betrayed...why wouldn't they take my side? I thought that was what girl friends did for each other? Why wouldn't they rage over his blindness and listen to my pain? Why did they just quiet up and look away?

The same went for my other suffering, occurring simultaneously. I guess people don't know what to say. They feel conflicted. They don't want to be judgmental but aren't quite able to be supportive. But it's so frustrating to be on the receiving end of that silence when you're turning to them because you can't keep the sorrow in any more or you'll go mad. 

So if you're facing a deafening silence right now, know you're not alone. And keep listening to yourself. And know you will because of this pain be able to one day be some one's listener one day when they really need it. 

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