Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Open and close.

I've been reading a lot of stuff from To Write Love on Her Arms and its incredible founder, Jamie Tworkowski, lately, including his astounding book If You Feel Too Much, which I highly recommend. Their big emphasis is that people need to open up and share their hurts with others. I'm an advocate of this too, but I have a lot of trouble with it as well, in part because I've been judged and burned for doing so in the past. I'm having trouble with it now because I want to share what's weighing on my heart, but I've had people judge me before for the things I'm dealing with again now. I don't want to open up and be judged and look stupid again. And I have trouble even putting my thoughts and feelings into words. Maybe it has something to do with being an introvert. Part of why I don't talk as much as others is because I have trouble articulating everything since there's so much in my head. When I do share, I have trouble conveying the intricacies of what I mean and then when people repeat back to me what they think is the matter, it isn't what I meant and I get discouraged and give up.

Apart from all of that, I feel more and more un-pretty as the day wears on today. Reading about the girls someone you admire has been interested in makes you realize you're never gonna make the cut and no matter what you tell yourself, other people mainly look for someone beautiful and physically attractive to date. I am many things, but I'm not pretty. I'm okay-looking but not conventionally gorgeous. I'm smart but how many people do you know who are dating someone because they're smart. I'm funny, I'm kind, I'm loyal. But what does he talk about? She was beautiful. She was gorgeous. She was a model. I want someone beautiful to come home to.

Well, I want someone kind, intelligent, witty, and loving to come home to, whose a good person and who makes me a better person. Who gets me and who wants me there and wants to be there for me. Who wants me to succeed. And I'm freaking sick of how obsessed everyone is with how people look. I hate when I get obsessed with whether or not I'm up-to-par in terms of attractiveness because it eats away at me, drives me to distraction, and ruins my happiness for the day. And because other things matter so much more. Like character, heart, compassion, and pizza.

I guess I just feel discouraged and defeated tonight. The sad thing is I realize that the root of each thing I feel sad about is that I started looking at it from a point of view of "what does everyone else probably think" instead of "what do I think". That always ruins thing. I usually feel okay about how I look because I think, "Hey. You're decent-looking, self. That's cool." I usually believe in my dreams, my crushes, my feelings. But then I start trying to share them and I get very self-conscious and afraid and find myself saying, "But I know it's probably stupid" and "But it probably won't work out" because I'm greeted with an awkward silence that in the past has meant, "I don't want to affirm what she's saying because I have to bring a reality check to the nonsense she's spouting."

I wish I could chase my dreams with an unfettered heart and mind in a welcoming world.

"I wish I were pretty
I wish I were brave
If I owned this city
I'd make it behave...
If I were fearless
I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do"
- Sara Bareilles, "Let the Rain"

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