Thursday, June 16, 2016

so useless and all part II

Ever have one of those days where you realize that in spite of all your efforts, dreams, and schemes and any merits or talents you may possess, you're really not much of anything at all? I've accomplished things, but not anything that anyone will remember. I have skills, but not ones that people pay attention to or value. Sometimes I despair of ever making new friends. It's just not something I'm good at. And even if you make friends, I've found they usually disappoint you anyways. You just don't get to see friends much when you're an adult. When I spend time with the youth from my church and they're all just trying to get back on their cell phones, you want to tell them to enjoy this time when they can hang out with their friends whenever they want.

And if making friends seems occasionally hopeless, the prospect of my ever dating anyone seems so impossible, it's actually laughable. I wish I had never had my dreams of getting married someday reawakened; I was so much happier without this awful feeling of desperation and disappointment gnawing away at me. I was more content with my heart locked away beyond anyone's reach, including the reach of my own stupid hands. Always falling for people who don't have even an inkling of interest in me. The frustrating thing is the counselors I've had have never been willing to talk with me about my hurt of being rejected so many times. And my friends and family all judge and make fun of me for developing feelings for people I barely know. So I've started to hate myself for it too. But I can't seem to help it. I used to think it was a sign of having a loving and loyal heart, which I didn't see as a bad thing. But I guess no one else agrees.

I'm just not sure how to make my life worthwhile, a contribution to the world. But maybe even if you do amazing things that people praise, you still don't feel fulfilled. I used to find joy in encouraging and helping others (and almost as much frustration when they didn't seem to care) when I was at college and there were plenty of friends around, but now there aren't many people left in my life to love any more.

I know that what others' think of you or how popular you are doesn't necessarily mean that you're more or less valuable or talented or kind, but sometimes it makes you question things when no one seems to really care about you or what you do. When your efforts at conversation just seem like a burden to people you thought were your friends and when you're always the one initiating things. When your quality work gets only a cursory glance when you're just trying to make it to help people.

I guess today I just have that feeling I used to get so often where life seems like just a long list of another days, each bearing the possibility of more pain, hurt, and disappointment lurking in the shadows of the unknown.

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