some days i don't know why i'm here.
some days i don't want to stay.
some days i wish i'd never been put here.
some days i feel too lost to ever find my way.
some days i feel like no one cares.
some days i'm overwhelmed by the thought that the world would keep spinning just fine without me - perhaps even better.
some days i wonder why i keep pressing on.
some days the silence drowns out the whispers of 'i love you'.
some days it's all just too much and i can never seem to be enough.
some days the mountain is just too steep and the mountaintop seems to never arrive.
some days the advocacy websites hurt instead of help.
some days i feel more ignored than important.
some days i just don't feel like doing the exercises to combat the negative thoughts because if I don't listen to my thoughts, nobody will.
some days i realize that it is a joke to call myself recovered.
some days i don't know who the hell to turn to to say "i need help. i can't do this. i am so lonely."
some days i don't have the words to express the emptiness swallowing me whole, from the inside out.
some days i don't know how i'll ever feel like i matter.
some days the have not's outweigh the haves, no matter how many you pile on the scale.
some days i just feel like, in spite of all the time and training i've put in, strength i've built up, lessons i've learned, tools i've gained, i can't win the fight.
I hate to admit it because I spend so much time trying to look strong, but I do have these thoughts, these feelings. Even though we encourage people to speak up and be vulnerable in the mental health advocacy community, there still feels, at least to me, like there is an unspoken expectation that you share only when you're better, only when you've dealt with most of your shit, tackled your ugliest demons, and are no longer a "trigger" for other people still suffering. But I just want people to be real with me. And, honestly, I feel much better when I know that the people I look up to are still human, just like me, than when they cover up in order to "inspire" others with a perfect, wholesome image. I want to know that I'm not alone in this darkness.
So here's the truth: I don't have it all together. I am better than I was, but I am falling apart again. I am working on myself still, but I am not sure I will ever be fixed. I am hurting and I am not always glad that I'm here. I doubt my potential, I doubt whether my life has purpose. I do all of this because I am mentally ill. I suffer from Major Depression (or maybe some other diagnosis. My stupid mental health care practitioners always got uncomfortable when I tried to get them to give me a diagnosis, even though I just wanted to have a way to understand what was happening to me.)
When writing this blog and other articles, talking to friends, or going to counseling, I often find myself tempted to sugar coat my struggles and spin everything positively, avoiding admitting to my darkest hurts. I succumb to this temptation sometimes, especially in counseling and conversations with friends. But I'm challenging myself in this moment to continue to push my boundaries and open up and be real with people about what's going on. Maybe this post will lead people to write this blog off as angsty ramblings of an unstable person that the world of the mentally ill should not be exposed to for fear of their being "triggered" (have I ever talked about how much I hate that word on here?) But for my fellow humans trying to muddle through this confusing-and-lonely-as-hell life, I want to be honest and real. If it speaks to you, that's all I want. Know you're not alone. Know that it's okay to feel those feelings, think those thoughts, even if you're scared to tell anyone, even if it feels like nobody would care if you did share.
Please, stay here. I may not always feel worthy of life, but I know that you, whoever you are, dear reader, are.