Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Sick of it.

I should probably proceed this post by saying that I'm doing pretty well overall, for anyone who is concerned. I haven't had a dark day for a while and I'm amazed looking back at all I've accomplished and how far I've come in terms of emotional healing this year. I really am in a good place, especially when I consider where I was a year ago (lying in bed a lot, nothing to do, considering going back to school but only taking one or two classes; withdrawing from medication, feeling awful physically and pretty cranky too.) I am so thankful for that. I overheard my dad say that he doubts whether mental illness really can be treated and even though I've felt a similar way sometimes, I think that there is hope for getting better.

However, some old ghosts have come back to haunt me tonight. I texted a few different people today just to check in on how they were doing and received replies from none of them. Lately I've been pretty okay with not having many friends and I've done a lot of work this semester to get over the people who ditched and/or hurt me in the past, but that kind of made me feel hurt, angry, and lonely again. I'm sure people are just busy hanging out with their families, but part of me still worries that they just aren't interested in me any more or even that they hate me. Overall, I know that I'm not high on most people's priority list, and I guess this confirmed that, which hurts.

I mean, even some of the people I do keep in contact with, the relationship feels a bit lopsided. This one friend writes me when he's struggling or sends me the movies he makes, etc. and I always try to watch them, encourage him, listen, empathize, etc. But recently I realized that even though he sometimes initiates conversation, which is more than some of my "friends," he rarely supports my creative projects and I don't recall him doing much to support me when I was down. In fact, sometimes he tossed my concerns aside or even put pressure on me to do things I wasn't comfortable with to change my situation instead of just listening to my hurts. He rarely likes my posts on social media or watches or reads things I create. Why do I invest so much time and worry into his well-being and life endeavors? I guess because I care and I hate to think of people hurting and being ignored the way I felt I was.

I also went down the bad, dark path of Facebook stalking the guy I had a big crush on during my junior year (who broke my heart...if someone can do that without knowing it...)

First, I felt disgusted and smug..."He's not really that attractive. I look better than I used to. He's not as talented as me."

Then I felt a touch of sadness. "Maybe he is hurting after his breakup with his girlfriend. Maybe I should try contacting him again. Oh, wait. He probably noticed that I unliked and unfollowed him on everything....It would be weird to contact him out of the blue. Plus, it's not worth opening your heart to that."

But then there was the one picture where even I had to admit that his forearms looked a little sexy and I started to second guess that...

Then I noticed one of my friends who knows he broke my little heart had liked the photo.

Then I remembered how she defended him and said he was a good guy after he shattered me.

Then I just wished I had someone to call and cry to about him but realized that I had already way over-talked to everyone I knew about him and nobody wanted to hear me, a year and a half after I had last spoken to this man I had never even dated whimpering once again about how lame he is when everyone knows he's a hella lot cooler than I will ever be (on a certain worldly level. But I'm beginning to wonder if that level is all people really care about.)

Then there's my general frustration in recent months with how men - even nice, average, kind-hearted guys (who are what I like) - tend to go for beautiful women over women who, I don't know, are nice or funny or smart or creative or all of the above. Then the woman can be a jerk or snob or have no personality or be possessive or boss him around and he will just take it because she's so beautiful. And average-looking girls like yours truly with loyalty, brains, depth, etc. end up forty year-old virgins. But I guess I would rather be single than be with someone who can't appreciate me. But I don't think I'll end up with even a person who can't appreciate me because why would a person who didn't appreciate me in the first place even date me.

Anyways, life isn't bad. But I wanted to get those rants off my chest because I feel like they bottle up inside me and I have nowhere to express them and songwriting and recording the song takes too long (and then goes ignored) so it can be hard to get something expressed that way.

It's not easy, but let's reach out to the lonely and love one another. It's a harsh world out there and we need to know someone's on our side.

1 comment:

  1. I love that your posts are real. I appreciate your authenticity in sharing your story and it gives me so much reassurance that I'm not the only person with depression who has, let's say, "less-that-attentive" friends. I know so well the cycle of hurt when people disappoint time and time again, especially in not doing something so simple as replying to a text or checking in to see how you're doing. I'm glad I'm not alone. Keep writing, friend; your honest words are a comfort to more people than you know!