Wednesday, January 11, 2017

But it sure is tempting sometimes...

Today has been one of those dark days...those days I'm convinced everyone hates me. Those days where I can't see the silver lining so I wonder why stay here. Those days where insult is piled on injury. Those days where nobody will answer the phone and it's probably just because they're busy but you wish you could tell them how it cut you to the core because your skin is already so thin and it made you think about swallowing all the pills on the nightstand next to you. Even when you weren't feeling this way, it popped into your head when you picked up that prescription how dangerous it seemed - all those pills sitting on top of each other in that orange bottle. You weren't even sad then and the thought was in the back of your mind and it scared you. The possibility that you would, the knowledge that you could, and the realization that you would think of it even when you didn't want to.

I know people are trying with all their might to erase the stereotype that suicide is a play to get attention, but I have to be honest and admit that for me personally, there is some element of the temptation to die that is connected to getting others to notice how much I'm hurting. When I'm in these dark moods, I want to just tell the friend who keeps ignoring my texts, "Can you just talk to me? I want to die and I need to know that someone here on this earth is invested in seeing me stay here. Can you just cancel your plans and agree to go skating? I just need something to distract myself. I wish we had gone last night because that was when I started overthinking everything and feeling so alone and hated and useless."  But that seems so desperate and, I don't know, against the rules of how you talk to people. I know that I should stand up for myself and just be honest, but I honestly don't have the words or strength to tell people how I feel. And I'm afraid of ruining their night by burdening them with my heavy heart.

Ever since Carrie Fisher died, people have been outpouring memories of life with her, tributes saying what they appreciate about her, and other displays of love and affection. Whenever a person dies and everyone gathers to remember them, it always strikes me how wrong it seems: why didn't we tell this person these things while they were alive? I guess part of me wishes sometimes that I could fast forward and hear those funeral speeches because right now I feel like I'm just a nothing. I don't know how other people feel about me and that really troubles me. What if I'm actually just bothering everyone I know? Annoying them. I'm that creepy person they wish would stop texting them. I realize how incredibly selfish and image-conscious this all must sound, but I just want to be honest in case anyone feels the same way. 

I feel like I've reached out so much to friends, tried to be supportive, empathetic, fun. And nobody really gives a shit. I'm not the friend people want. I'm not the one they run to when things are wrong or right. I don't think anybody would list me as their best friend. You can give to the universe, but it isn't necessarily going to give back to you. That doesn't mean you should stop giving, but it's just a reality I keep running into over and over and over in my life like a brick wall someone put in the center of a corn maze. 

I know I have to keep going - keep living, keep giving, keep supporting and loving other people. It may seem bleak today but everything is constantly changing in my heart and mind. It's not worth ending it all on a bad night when I'm young and over-emotional. But it sure is tempting sometimes.

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