Thursday, January 5, 2017

Nostalgia and nincompoops.

I have a lot of feelings right now. Maybe because I'm hungry. But mostly because a lot of my past has been dredged back up in the last couple days. I had forgotten why I kept all of the memories I made and people who I knew at my previous school locked up in a little box in the back of my mind. So I reopened the box again. I started having long conversations with two people who were good friends at Previous College. I tried to talk to other friends and received no reply. I went through my boxes of old clothes that I used to strut around campus in, sorting them to give away because I don't fit any more. Gosh, I know it sounds so shallow and materialistic, but it's killing me to part with these clothes. They have so many memories attached to them. And they were - still are - so beautiful. I wish I could pop back into them. I wish I could just re-live one day back the way things were, when these people still talked to me.

But then I realize that I was miserable then and there. Friends ignored and hurt me there too. I was so lonely and heartbroken. For every time I laughed and swapped stories with friends, I sobbed on a bathroom floor, telling my mom over the phone that nobody gave a damn about me. I still wouldn't mind wearing all the clothes again or popping back and taking some more photos and writing a few more journal entries so I could remember things better in the future, but ultimately I have to trust that I did what was right for me and that I'm in a much better place now. Just like I don't fit in those clothes any more, I don't belong in that world any more. It's time to move on to a new wardrobe, a new life. I feel guilty sometimes for not visiting my old school or making more of an effort to keep up with old friends, but ultimately I think the healthy thing to do is to move forward. My life now is different, just like my body and my clothes and my friend group, but I think ultimately it's a change for the better.

I guess I've been comparing myself with a friend who keeps in close touch with our friends back at Previous College and goes and visits regularly. Talking to her recently and hearing about her close friendships with those people, I feel guilty for not returning myself. But I tried to keep in touch with people and they were busy. And I knew that going back would be too painful. I need to trust the decisions I made at the time were right for me, regardless of how my choices look to others. Nobody knows me better than myself. I mean, I guess I was right to quadrant myself off from Previous College and Hurtful College Friends; now that I'm letting them back in my life, I feel hurt, inferior, vulnerable, worthless...all those feelings I experienced day in and out for years at that school, with those people.

Reader, if you find yourself questioning your choices because of others' critiques or comparing your life to someone else's in order to berate yourself, stop. It's not fair. It's not right. It's apples and oranges. Two different paths on two different continents. You have to listen to your own needs sometimes. You have to prioritize your own heart, even if the actions you take don't make sense to others. You deserve to be taken care of. You deserve to be loved, if at first only by yourself.

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