I'd like to say to you come follow
But I'm afraid my heart may hollow here
And though it seems the water is shallow
It's over my head, but still I swallow
A black river runs down my face
I guess now is not the time or place
A thousand years is but a day, they say
And maybe in a thousand more I will find my way
Inside I feel like I am dying sometimes. And if I'm not dying, I wish I were.
I'm sick of this back and forth. I'm sick of being faked out, thinking I am out of danger, I have crossed the threshold and am in brighter territory, only to find that dull, familiar ache that can't be put into words has found me again.
I thought this summer would be good. Parts of it were. But I didn't know that until it was over. Now I'm home, where I longed to be, and I feel so numb and empty and raw, it's like I'm being emotionally crucified. I wish I could go back and relive this summer and cherish it, but at the same time, I know it was what it was, and I was completely justified for being overwhelmed by it, wanting it to be over.
I don't see how I can ever find purpose of fulfillment in life. I can't find meaningful relationships. Nobody I love, platonic or romantically, seems to feel strongly enough back to make the relationship keep on going. I know people say not to put relationships first, but I can only feel so fulfilled by careers and blog posts and other shit. I want to pour out my love and know it is appreciated. And maybe even receive a little love in return.
Which brings me to him. I know there are a million red flags and reasons I shouldn't love him, but I almost think I might. Or I could, if I got the chance. And oh, my God...God, how I miss him. Please, you have to know that, God. It's like I left part of myself elsewhere. Sometimes in those last weeks, I would see him across the room and feel like my heart was outside of my chest, right there with him.
I tried my best to walk the tightrope...Say little things to show I cared about him and admired him, brush my arm against his, say thank you - attempts to give a bit of an idea that I had feelings for him without going too far. Sometimes I wish I could go back and be more straightforward. I wish I could go back to that last night and look him in the eyes after we said good-bye or uncross my arms while we were at the graveyard - some signal that I felt more than I was letting on to. But then I think that if he was interested, he would have given more signs himself. And I remember all the reasons we probably wouldn't work. And all the reasons he probably isn't interested. But I can't shake that feeling that my heart is elsewhere and there is no other him in the world.
Nothing makes sense and everything feels like shit. I know I accomplished something great this summer. I know it is all part of a journey. I know these are growing pains. But sometimes I'm afraid all of life is growing pains. Because we never stop changing. And I don't know if I can bear that.
I'm not even going to try and say something positive.