Saturday, December 30, 2017

This poetry is probably bad but whatever

I can't fix your problems
No matter how bad i want to
Take you in my arms and kiss your face
That stupid smile with the dimples
Make you feel true love, uninhibited by conditions or expectations

But I know that although i hate to admit it,
I do have expectations
Though i would rather call them "hopes"
Hopes that you will realize you need fixing
Hopes you will ditch those friends you get plastered with
Or at least find a new hobby
Hopes that you will change your mind about what you said about commitment
Hopes I could be good enough to be the one to make you change it
But I don't want to be one of those girls who sees a man as a project
I want to love you for who you are
unconditionally.

I wish I could sit by your side a thousand more times and hear you pour out your secrets
I never told you how special i felt to be privy to what you seldom spoke
It was my drug -- light stuff compared to what you've done as I understand, but heavy and heady for a lightweight like me

It killed me when you went silent
I worried for a week whether you were okay but didn't want to push you
I know you hurt the night you opened back up, but it was one of the best nights of my short, stupid life
You let me see that vulnerable side again, but we laughed together as much as we sat in stony silence
You asked me what I thought,
and maybe that made me drunk on power, knowing that for once I was needed
Looking back, I think you just needed someone to talk to
But at the time it was the hit i needed to get hooked on you
And I've been craving it ever since

I've never been high or drunk
Maybe that's why you don't want me -- I'm too naive
But i have my reasons
I'm too anxious and grew up too sheltered
Plus I'm such a wreck sometimes
I'm scared if I started, I might never stop
Kind of like you
But I told you that once, didn't I

Sometimes i wish I'd told you I was worried
Worried you might be coping with things the wrong way
I just wanted to be supportive when you felt like you had failed
Because to me, you will never be a failure
But, shit, how I worry about you.
It eats away at me sometimes,
   wondering if I should have said more,
   imagining what you're up to

All the same...
Shit, I miss you.

It's stupid, knowing you don't care too much about me any more,
But I pray for you sometimes
Since I can't talk to you, I'm not sure what else to do
But love you from afar
And beg a deity to maybe give me a chance to be the one who will change your mind to think of white dresses instead of the white powder that sometimes clouds your mind

Shit, I miss you.
I try to shove those feelings deep down cuz I know its a lost cause
But right now, laying back that night in my head as I curl up in my twin bed, my mind always drifts to what I'd rather be doing with you

It's funny cuz I know
I know right now you're probably fucking her, stupid wasted
But I can't shake you
Not after I've seen your heart naked

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