Lately, my self-worth has taken a real blow.
I just feel like I am not people's cup of tea. I'm not what anybody wants. The facts are staring me in the face everywhere I look -- proof left and right that I am not good enough. Check social media -- people haven't liked my post. Check my phone -- friends haven't responded to my messages. Check my blogs and I am still getting maybe two views a day. It's all about as bleak as this January weather.
There's always a better blog to read. A cool one with glossy photos, sleek design, promotions for products, and constantly-updated social media.
Better music to listen to that's upbeat and slickly produced and well-marketed and has sexy photoshoots.
A friend who doesn't dump all their feelings on you whenever you talk.
A friend who doesn't come off as desperate when you do talk.
A friend who isn't crazy.
A girl you could ask out on a dating site instead of going up to her in person.
A girl who's prettier, has straighter teeth, wasn't raised so conservative, can get wasted, can bang you tonight instead of saying she needs to get to know you better.
A girl who's not so emotional, not so vocal about all the shit she's gone through, not so desperately interested in you that it makes you lose interest.
A girl who's not crazy.
I feel like all my relationships are unfulfilling and I feel directionless with what to do with my life and talents. I feel depressed. Again. It never really goes away, does it?
I didn't think I was that bad until last night I was lying on the couch with my mom -- beside my own mother, who loves me dearly -- and I seriously thought about killing myself that night. I just felt like such a nobody and felt so lost, I figured it didn't really make a difference whether I was here or not.
I hate people who try and force you to be positive to deal with things, but ultimately, at times like these, I have to keep faith in my mind, even if I don't feel it in my heart, that there is something better. Not something better to compare myself to to make myself feel bad, but better things in store for the future.
Maybe I will find a beautiful, restful place to live.
Maybe I will find a fulfilling job.
Maybe I will continue to help people by sharing my story.
Maybe one day my hard work and dedication on projects will pay off.
Maybe one day I will find friends who are dedicated, persistent, and loyal.
Maybe one day I will be loved by a man who really cares.
Maybe one day I will be content with who I am and learn to love, accept, and appreciate myself and my accomplishments and hard work to overcome my struggles.
Because real friends and significant others love you no matter how annoying you get or how shitty your life becomes. It breaks their heart to see you suffer as much as it breaks yours, and they want to see your through and support you. Real friends love your crazy.
And life is about learning to accept who you are and what you've done, finding your path. You may never find acceptance, but you can find something better -- fulfillment in doing what you love and loving who you are.