Have you ever been so obsessed/in love with (the line feels blurry sometimes, I gotta be honest) with someone that even though you don't really have a relationship with them any more, you're not sure you want to date anyone else because you just wish it was them. And you're afraid you might forfeit the chance to be with that person should they change their mind one of these days. Essentially, you would wait around for them to change their mind. Because for some bizarre reason, you want that person that much.
Sometimes I wonder if I've just become attached to the idea of the person. He's serving as some stand-in so I can have someone to pin my hopes on when I dream of those little romantic moments.
I wonder whether my bubble would be popped if we actually got together and the cold hard reality of living and compromising with someone would rain on my beautiful fantasy sunshine world.
I wonder whether I just need the emotional stability of having one person I can stay attached to emotionally in the midst of all the change going on in my life.
I wonder whether he's just all that's available at the moment.
I wonder whether it's an excuse for me to stay in my comfort zone and not explore the scary world of dating and meeting people and having things not work out.
But then sometimes I wonder if it really is some form of love if you care about a person still after all this time and space and heartache. Or do I chronically want what I can't have?
Maybe it's a mixture of everything. But all the same. I still think of him every hour of every day. I still ask myself why he doesn't reach out, why he didn't visit when he was in the area. What he meant when he said this or that. Whether he reads this blog. Whether he's noticed I deleted my Facebook. What he would say if I told him how much I cared. Whether he already knows.
Whether he secretly feels the same.
Probably not, I guess.
Or he would have written by now.
All the same, it's nice to have someone beautiful to see and think, "I would take a bullet for you. Your life matters more to me than my own, even if you never know." There's something beautiful about selfless love.
Even if it keeps you up at night wishing you were more outgoing like him or had shown your wittier side back in July or had straighter teeth or had better taste or were beautiful and well-traveled and accomplished but also able to let loose like him and his friends. Maybe then things would be different.
So you torture yourself, over-analyzing other girls' comments on his timeline or how long it's been since you last texted or that last real conversation you had in August or his body language on that one night...
And maybe that's why you shouldn't wait around.
But, darling, please know that I really do want to wait for you.
And I probably will.
Seems on brand.